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Have you ever felt so lost and alone, and you think you found the answer to end all of that and it just ends up disappointing you to? Ever just get left feeling like you are the problem? You are the mistake? Not what you experienced, not the situation you got put in, you yourself? To be completely honest with you, that is how I have felt the last few months- like no matter what I do or how hard I try- I am never good enough, I can never get it right.

People see my life from the outside looking in and problem think I have it perfect- that there couldn't be a single thing wrong. And I cannot deny that I have been very blessed through out my life. I mean I am 19, I have amazing parents, an awesome brother, a loving husband, and a place to call home... yet somehow I still always feel locked out... Like everyone is trying to tell me to come inside, but I lost my key and no one will open the door... I feel like I am pounding on the door, hearing there joyful laughter and happy chatter on the outside, yet no one hears me asking for help... 

Everyone has that one secret... the one thing not a single soul in the world knows- only you(and sometimes your dog if you are like me)... Everyone has something they are ashamed of, or scared to be judge for... something they are terrified that if others new, even their loved ones, they would hate you... It's secrets like these; fears such as my own- that kill people. 

Everyone has one fear of something- even Chuck Norris is afraid of something! We all have that one thoughts, that one scenario we play in our head, that terrifies us. Whether it is being afraid of a waking up covered in bugs, or waking up without your family, everyone fears something different. It has never been a huge secret that I am afraid of heights and bugs- two biggest fears that I know I will never conquer- and I am ok with that- but ultimately my biggest fear is forever being second best... Being alone... Never having someone who will choose me first... All my life I was always the follow up, the second runner, the back up... My brother was the star child- their perfect little angel while I was just the troubled rebel child... And when it came to friends and boys- I cannot count the times I had "friends" cancel on me because they got a better offer (even my bestfriend of 3 years ditch me in a heartbeat the moment a guy just offered to give her attention). By the time I got to college I was a single(never dated), 17 year old girl, with only  3 or 4 real friends (all whom lived across country and 2 of whom don't talk to me anymore {mostly due to new boyfriends}). 

To say the least I felt alone. My biggest comfort and closest companion was honestly God. I spent a semester at His Hill Bible School and in that time I grew in my faith in ways I never though possible. My faith was my life and my foundation- it was the only thing holding me together and to this day is the only thing holding me together. For the first time, I new I had someone who would protect me and never abandon me... someone who would pick me first... and as ashamed as I am to say it- I have kind of abandoned him since than. 

My Faith, had become my home, Even miles away from all my friends, and all my family, I knew I wasn't alone. And thanks to a lot of prayer and crazy adventures, it was that same faith that lead me to my now husband- whom when I met him was in my eyes some crazy punk kid who was no good and definitely not for me( little did I know God had other plans). God had opened up a place in his heart for me to call home, But of course my life is no fairy tale and sometimes you don't realize how must of a home wrecker you are till you take a step back and realize the damage you have done... I spent countless nights praying and asking God to show me where the problem is, what needed to go to fix my home... what was causing it to fall apart... and as the days went on and the nights seemed to get longer, I finally realized that maybe the problem was me- the common denominator... I thought that moving my husband and I back to my home town would fix this broken feeling inside... But to my dismay it only opened my eyes to true problem in my life... 

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