Lies Lies Lies....

Growing up I pretty much constantly lived a lie... I told people what they wanted to hear, I showed them what they wanted to see, and I made myself who they wanted me to be. Very few people I would say "knew me" and that is even a stretch. My own family, the people who should know me better than anyone since they lived with me and raised me, didn't even know half of the things I had been going through or doing.

Lying was such a huge part of my life that it was second nature to me- I lied as if it were breathing- even when I didn't want to. But before I knew it a new lie was coming out of my mouth.  This was partially due to the fact that I was scared of people getting close to me or judging me. I had gotten myself into some bad situations during my Highschool years and I trusted no one. I also had moved a lot and the constant "get attached than forced to be detached" caused me to just want to be alone. 

And than everything changed...

Spring 2014 I decided I wanted a change. I was done being lonely, afraid, and hurt- I was done sitting in self pity and decided I wanted to do something for ME. So I went to His Hill Bible College- a small 60 student school that's purpose was to help their students to know God personally and grow in our faith. I was raised in a christian house and before I went to His Hill I question if my faith was real. I played the role of a christian daughter- I knew my bible, went to church every week and bible study's... but my "relationship" with God had all been a lie. But who can get away with lying to God? My relationship with Christ blossomed beautifully while I was at His Hill- I was happy, smiling, trusting. Even in hard times I found strength and hope- something I never would have been able to do before. As the weeks went by I found myself being more honest and more truthful, even with myself. You see I had been lying for so long, that I had caused myself to believe the lies I was telling others. I lost myself under the masks I had put on, and I forgot who I was or wanted to be. I had become my lies, and at His Hill-  I found myself- I found who I was before the lies, who I wanted to be, and who God was shaping me to be. I found relief, comfort, and strength. I was confident in who I was for the first time in years, and I realized I no longer needed the lies to hide behind... 

Now I wish I could say the lies ended and everything was perfect and happy but that was not the case. You see I was not only lying to others but I had begun lying to myself- I caused my brain to lock away and hide memories that were more painful than I could have imagined. Out of no where, these hidden memories that I barely remembered or thought were only dreams, became real- memories that I had lied to myself for so long to hide, came rushing back like a restless beach during hurricane season. My demons that I had tried so long to hide from, came back to haunt me, and a new battle in my life had begun. Now that the lies were gone and over with, I had to face my reality- but at least this time, unlike before, I wasn't alone in my battle. Before I felt helpless and alone so I lied my way out of reality, but this time I had Christ, I had faith. That was my support and strength as I fought through my life- through my past.

"When Satin reminds you of your past, remind him of his future." 

I still struggle with these memories and I still have my secrets... but who doesn't? I wish I could say that I see the light at the end of the tunnel, and I know the fighting is almost over, but I know better than to lie to myself and y'all about that. The truth of the matter is I am still submerged in the darkness, fighting through it all; and my light isn't at the end of the tunnel, but right beside me, helping me fight, and guiding me to freedom- guiding me to paradise. 

"This Faith will be the death of me, but life do I have if it is not spent serving the Lord"

My life may have seemed easier when I was living in lies, but it wasn't. I was constantly afraid, constantly hiding in the shadows trying to not be seen. I was constantly looking over my shoulder, afraid I would be caught, and it was exhausting. My life isn't easier now that I rely on my faith, now that I am free from the lies, but it is worth the fight now... I have a purpose, I have an end goal, I have a reason to survive... My faith is now my life, not my lies- It is not an easy battle to escape your own lies, but it is worth it in the end... 

My question to you- is if you are living in a lie, do you know? and If you do, do you prefer life in bondage or freedom? Lies will only shackle you down & betray you... Faith will only lift you up & strengthen you...